Betty ford says i'm here all night
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
