Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
This toilet bowl is my home.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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