I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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