Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
