how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
