I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
