U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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