How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
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