I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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