You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
