Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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