You're completely useless in the revolution.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
