did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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