mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
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