Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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