Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Drake has all the answers
These tits shall not be calmed
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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