Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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