Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
my being single is dangerous.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
