i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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