I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
