Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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