I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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