I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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