They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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