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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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