I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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