You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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