i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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