The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
