Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i love accidental penises.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
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i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I need moral support for this bender
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
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Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day