Your dad touched me again.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
