I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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