Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
