I showed him my bush... on skype.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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