the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
