I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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