If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
