Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
