a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
