I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
