Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
