you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
