now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
