Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
BRING THE BAGELS
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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