Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
