i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
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Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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