sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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