it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
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I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
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He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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