I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
