Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
