I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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