dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
