Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
