i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
