I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
