So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
