I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
My cat gives me a boner
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
